Saturday, 25 December 2010

Whenever You Complain You Make a Victim of Yourself

One of the least attractive of human traits is complaining. We all know people who we avoid because they constantly moan and complain about their lives, friends, family, the government and more. Now don’t get me wrong we all have our moments when it comes to complaining about things that have happened to us but we learn to ‘rein in’ our moaning because it doesn’t help the situation and its not fun to listen to.

So think about it – how often does your child hear you complain about their behaviour, ability or habits? How attractive do you sound to them when you complain at them? The answer is- Not very!

Eventually they just shut off and stop listening to you at all and that means they listen to almost nothing that you say. You’ve then not only lost your message but also damaged your relationship with your child who could one day grow up to be a good and loyal friend to you.

Also much of what your child does in life will be either embracing or rejecting your behaviours and if you want them to model your behaviour then work to be as positive toward their behaviour as possible.

That doesn’t mean giving them a big cuddle when they kick over Mrs Jones’s refuse bin next door. It means staying calm and dealing with the situation in a thoughtful manner. Sure you might be angry but shouting won’t help. Shouting just teaches your child to do the same.

Remember most bullies have been or are, bullied, they are copying behaviour that they have learned and if you go off at the deep end whenever your kids do anything wrong then you’re teaching them to do the same aren't you? 

We all have the urge to gripe and complain about things from time to time and  often this is just getting things off our chests which is ok. But when you complain to someone you are not only griping but also hurting and with your children this is the last thing you should be doing. 

Remember that what you say cannot be taken back and in a position of such influence as you are with your children you should consider how long these words stay with them. A brief moaning mood where you complain for a few moments at your son or daughter could stay with them for a lifetime.


1.                Identify when you are complaining – what do you say, what subjects set you off?
2.                Shut up! – bite your tongue and try to say something positive instead.

Neither of these two is easy because complaining like the other 6 Bad Habits that I’m talking about now is an emotional response. Our emotions are important to our survival instincts; they are the alarm bells that fire us into action. But our emotions can cause us to over react and need to be controlled by our intellect and ability to reason out our issues.

If you are an emotional person and you recognise this then practice techniques to take you out of your emotional zone and back into your calm state. This is not an issue I want to pursue here and there are many books available or you could seek help and advice through your doctor in serious cases. For the purposes of this blog let’s just make you aware of the behaviour and recognise it when you are using it with your children.

Thanks for reading today and I look forward to chatting again soon

Best wishes

Tony Higo
Chief Instructor
National Martial Arts College
0800 092 0948

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